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Need a Giggle. Have a look at these jokes!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Baldy, May 17, 2007.

  1. Baldy

    Baldy Wibble Wobble

    Lancashire, UK
    Warning from Tdu Central Staff:
    Some jokes posted by members may be rude. If you find any joke offensive the please use the Report post button in the bottom left hand corner of the post, (the red warning triangle with an exclamation mark in it) and we will then check the joke and take any action required. All posters Please refrain from posting any racist jokes as any form of racism will not be tolerated.
    UPDATE TO RULES OF THREAD. All jokes must contain no swearing at all. If jokes contain it they will be deleted immediatly. If you enter a swear word and it is blocked by the sensor then please dont try and avoid the sensor by mispelling the word. We WILL be monitoring this thread, and there will be serious consequences if the jokes contain swearing. Many Thanks. Tdu Central.

    Heres a joke to start it off.

    Bra sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, AND H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
    (A) Almost Boobs
    (B) Barely there
    (C) Can't Complain
    (D) Dang!!!
    (DD) Double Dang !!!!!!
    (E) Enoumous
    (F) Fake
    (G) Get a Reduction
    (H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get u

    So let the fun commence
    #1 Baldy, May 17, 2007
    Last edited by Baldy: May 20, 2007
  2. FA430RGT

    FA430RGT Hoods and Alley-ways..

    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new train set in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you ******* who want to get off, get the **** off now, and all you ******* who want to get on, hurry up and get the **** on now.

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house, go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train set, but only if you use nice language.

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train set. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

    She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ###### off about the two hour delay, please see that twit in the kitchen."

    #2 FA430RGT, May 17, 2007
    Last edited by Baldy: May 20, 2007
  3. Baldy

    Baldy Wibble Wobble

    Lancashire, UK
    HAHAHAHA Hilarious ROFL
  4. FA430RGT

    FA430RGT Hoods and Alley-ways..

    One more for now..
    Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
    One of them kept complaining of family problems.
    Finally, the other man said:
    "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

    "A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
    We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
    Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
    That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.
    And my father became my stepson.
    Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".
    "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.

    This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
    But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
    That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

    "This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother.

    This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER" !!!!

    "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"

    LoL anyone manage to keep track?
  5. Baldy

    Baldy Wibble Wobble

    Lancashire, UK
    Wahey!! They just keep on coming lol
  6. Microphone

    Microphone #Myk2016
    tduck team

    wow, thatz confusing, can you marry your sons step daughter? *dont laugh im stupid*
  7. SCR4MBL3R81

    SCR4MBL3R81 TDU Junkie!

    Mastercard Wedding

    You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests...

    After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

    He especially wanted to thank the brides maind and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

    As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his giftfor everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

    Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride havingsexwith the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

    After just standing there, just watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "**** you". Then he turned to his bride and said, "**** you".

    Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "Im outta here."

    He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

    While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

    His revenge...making the brides parents pay over $32,000 for a 300guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

    This guy has balls the size of church bells.

    Do you think he might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?:

    Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends .. $32,000.

    Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ... $3,000.

    Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ... $8,500.

    The look on everyones face when they see the 8x10 glossy of thebride humping the best man..........Priceless.

    There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
    #7 SCR4MBL3R81, May 18, 2007
    Last edited by Baldy: May 20, 2007
  8. NAD33M

    NAD33M the gaming guy

    Northampton, UK, Europe, Earth
    A nine-year-old boy came home from school one day and said to his mum "Mum, I had sex today!" Obviously, his mum was angry and asked him to go to his dad.

    When he told his dad, his dad was secretly pleased with him, but had to tell him off.

    The next day, the dad went to his son and said, "Did you do it again today, son?"

    The son replied, "Oh no dad, my bum still hurts from yesterday!"
  9. Who

    Who It's not a tumor.

    Lincolnshire, UK
    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

    She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

    I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
  10. Baldy

    Baldy Wibble Wobble

    Lancashire, UK
    Thats a good joke there lwsbrck. I'm sure my local postie would enjoy it.
  11. FA430RGT

    FA430RGT Hoods and Alley-ways..

    LoL very nice indeed! Heres mine for today..
    Office Dares

    One Point Dares

    1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

    2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

    3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

    4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

    5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

    6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

    7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

    8. Don't use any punctuation.

    9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.

    10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

    Three Point Dares

    1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

    2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

    3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

    4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.

    7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.

    8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.

    Five Point Dares

    1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

    2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

    3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

    4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

    5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.

    6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

    7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

    8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

    9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

    10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

    11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

    12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    14. Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a swastika.

    15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight". Laughing
  12. FA430RGT

    FA430RGT Hoods and Alley-ways..

    LoL must post this aswell!
    "The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

    These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy."
  13. Baldy

    Baldy Wibble Wobble

    Lancashire, UK
    Both great jokes going to try the office dares on monday at work
    #13 Baldy, May 19, 2007
    Last edited by Baldy: May 19, 2007
  14. Microphone

    Microphone #Myk2016
    tduck team

    absolutley brilliant, do you get more points if you do all of that in a classroom, heheh :p
  15. Pherelas

    Pherelas I'm Going Slightly mad

    The Dark Side of the Moon
    Great jokes there.
  16. Who

    Who It's not a tumor.

    Lincolnshire, UK
    Rules of being a man!

    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

    12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

    a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!


    Two irishmen are walking along a lane, when one finds a mirror in a bush. he picks the mirror up and takes a long look. he says "i know who this is, but i cant put a name to the face" and puts the mirror back down. the other irishman picks up the mirror and yells 'ITS ME YOU FOOL!'
    #16 Who, May 20, 2007
    Last edited by Who: May 20, 2007
  17. Microphone

    Microphone #Myk2016
    tduck team

    hahahahahaha, really good ones
  18. FA430RGT

    FA430RGT Hoods and Alley-ways..

    For battlefield players, made me laugh :D

    You know when you’ve been playing Battlefield too much when…

    You’re no longer afraid of heights. If you fall off you can always press the space bar.

    When you go to open your car, the first finger on your left hand starts twitching.

    Walking down the street you keep turning around to watch your six.

    You see snipers everywhere.

    You’re always evaluating rooftops for their sniping potential and wondering if you can get a grenade that high.

    You consider yourself an expert on tribalism and the psychology of groups.

    You begin to understand loners. Only one in twenty Squad leaders mark the flags!!

    Every time you see a flag, you make a mental note of its height, colour and movement. You check the base of the flagpole for potential enemies.

    In your subconscious, "don’t forget to brush your teeth" is replaced by "don’t forget to reload".

    After finally switching off your computer and going to bed you spend another fifteen minutes playing virtually in your head. You get a great score.

    When you do eventually fall asleep, you have a nightmare where you gun keeps jamming and you get a really bad score.

    Everyday life begins to seem exotic because there are women in it.

    You never liked them at school but suddenly you begin to have a profound appreciation for statistics.

    You’re considering taking a course in first-aid. You never know.

    You’re fascinated by the defibrillators at American airports. If anyone had a heart attack you’d have them revived in less than 10 seconds.

    You want someone to have a heart attack so that you can prove it.

    You have hang-ups about the lack of coherence between your gaming and your pacifist principles.

    You avoid flammable drums like the plague but when you see them you mentally take a pot shot.

    When you walk up ladders you try to do it quietly.

    You’re ten button mouse doesn’t have enough buttons.

    You think you can run on snow and ice without slipping and breaking your neck.

    You begin to take great pleasure out of sneaking up on people.

    You practice knifing in the kitchen with a real knife.

    You start taking lessons in Russian so that you can understand things like "PROTIVNIK V REAKTORNOM ZALE”*

    You’re at dinner with your girlfriend. She remarks that you’re a million miles away and wants to know what you’re thinking about. How do you explain to her that you’re working on new tactics for your favourite map and can’t wait for dinner to end so you can go back home, put her to bed, turn on the computer and try out those new tactics?

    You’re at dinner with your girlfriend (the following night). She remarks that you seem upset. How do you explain that your best friend finally got your dog tags and that you can’t wait for dinner to end so you can go back home, put her to bed and go get them back?!!

    You’re girlfriend leaves you. You don’t care. No more nagging while you play on the computer.

    She tells you that you need professional help. You agree and sign up for basic training at the local army base.
  19. Who

    Who It's not a tumor.

    Lincolnshire, UK
    reminds me of an old thread on the atari forums...

    one of my favorites was 'you know you've played TDU too much when:

    you walk up to a chav and ask what stage of tuning his corsa is at, then call him a retard because he doesnt reply with a number

    #19 Who, May 25, 2007
    Last edited by Who: May 25, 2007
  20. Marc_CRX

    Marc_CRX Tail End Out!!

    Belfast, Northern Ireland
    How to Take a Dump....

    Like A Woman...

    Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain which may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

    With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.

    Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

    Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

    Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

    Pull pants down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

    Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

    Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.

    Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

    Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

    Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

    Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

    Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

    Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

    Like A Man...

    Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated).

    Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

    Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

    Adjust ***** and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

    Open reading material and relax.

    Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

    Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It's quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

    Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

    Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.

    Take long length of paper and wipe arse. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

    Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

    Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

    Vacate the toilet, leaving the door open. It's important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

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