Thread: A few jokes...

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  1. Glanzarog is offline Dumpster Boy
    Location: Dublin,Ireland
    Posts: 179

    #1

    Default A few jokes...

    CRACKER



    > > >WIFE:
    > > > What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > Definitely not!
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > Why not - don't you like being married?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > Of course I do.
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > Okay, I'd get married again.
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > (makes audible groan).
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > Would you live in our house?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > Sure, it's a great house.
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > Where else would we sleep?
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > Would you let her drive my car?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > Probably, it is almost new
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > Would you replace my pictures with hers?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > Would she use my golf clubs?
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > No, she's left-handed.
    > > >
    > > > WIFE:
    > > > - - silence - -
    > > >
    > > > HUSBAND:
    > > > F**k




    3 PART TEST



    A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on The counter and
    sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills..
    The Man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!
    He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
    "Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests you get all
    the money!!!"

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! "What are the three
    tests?"
    "Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."
    So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...

    OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...
    FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila the WHOLE
    thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...

    SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth...You
    have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

    THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm
    during intercourse.. You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

    The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an
    IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper
    tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!
    "Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is.."

    The man has a few drinks... then a few more...
    Finally...he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!"

    He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big
    slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a
    face...

    He staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up...
    The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside..
    They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming... the pit bull
    yelping... and then SILENCE.

    Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into
    the bar ..with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over
    his body...

    "NOW......." he says.
    WHERES THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?!"





    > > One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
    > > sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
    > > want."
    > >
    > > So he tied her up and went golfing.
    > >
    > > ************************* *************************




    > > A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
    > > the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
    > > "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
    > >
    > > The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
    > > mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
    > >
    > > ************************* *************************



    > > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
    >the
    > > other is a husband.
    > >
    > > ************************* *************************




    > > A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
    > >
    > > First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
    >showed
    > > him a card with the letters:
    > > 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
    > >
    > > "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
    > >
    > > "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
    > >
    > > ************************* *************************




    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
    > >
    > > "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
    > > convent."
    > >
    > > "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
    > > chardonnay."
    > >
    > > ************************* *************************



    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    > >
    > > Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
    > >
    > > "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
    > > You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
    >We
    > > need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
    > > They're
    > > going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
    > > to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
    > > Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
    >always
    > > forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
    > > The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
    >think
    > > I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
    > >
    > > The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
    > > like when I'm driving."



    Amish jeep:
    [/quote]






    Just trying to wake the forum up... :P


  2. FA430RGT is offline Hoods and Alley-ways..
    Location: London
    Posts: 1,588

    #2

    Default Re: A few jokes...

    Lol, nice collection there, I'll add afew jokes later, about to get something to eat
    ...I Still Dawdle Round These Ends...

  3. Glanzarog is offline Dumpster Boy
    Location: Dublin,Ireland
    Posts: 179

    #3

    Default Re: A few jokes...

    Quote Originally Posted by FA430RGT »
    Lol, nice collection there, I'll add afew jokes later, about to get something to eat

    Same here,dinner nearly ready!


  4. FA430RGT is offline Hoods and Alley-ways..
    Location: London
    Posts: 1,588

    #4

    Default Re: A few jokes...

    Heres a few..
    ---------------
    HARVARD READING TEST:

    This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.

    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

    The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!.

    1. This is this cat

    2. This is is cat

    3. This is how cat

    4. This is to cat

    5. This is keep cat

    6. This is an cat

    7. This is old cat

    8. This is bugger cat

    9. This is busy cat

    10.This is for cat

    11.This is forty cat

    12.This is seconds cat
    -------------------
    For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
    -Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
    -Where did you get that from, old lady.
    -Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.
    -------------------
    http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/
    -------------------
    Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "
    His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts
    like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!
    ...I Still Dawdle Round These Ends...

  5. FA430RGT is offline Hoods and Alley-ways..
    Location: London
    Posts: 1,588

    #5

    Default Re: A few jokes...

    This is My Favorite!

    Today the British government announced that it is changing its emblem from a Rose to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

    A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of *****s, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
    ...I Still Dawdle Round These Ends...

 

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